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Monday, 04 February 2008

wow i haven't been on here in forever. apparently they closed my site?

nevermind, they didn't. just my settings are gone. oh well.

Thursday, 30 March 2006

I'm losing my mind! eeeek. who did I make plans with for saturday? or mabye i didn't make plans at all and i'm fabricating things in my brains? I dunno. If I didn't make plans hopefully I can go see V for V with Matt Sall! Or sumptin. I CAN'T REMEMBER. EEK. O.o;; meow. squeak.

shower time!
I hurt. I hurt I hurt I hurt. There's a hole in my heart and nothing will ever fill it.

I can't be at school because the only way for me to participate or even learn in class is for me to completely block out my emotions, which then come back twice as hard after class to the point that I become almost completely neurotic. It's funny until I acutally can't control what I say or do. Today on the way up to Aidan's dorm I said every little thought that came through my head and was constantly changing thoughts and hurting inside so badly I couldn't finish anything. I can't even make sense right now. I'm surpised my typing is okay. [w00t backspace.] At 4th meal I walked up to the ice cream thingy and was like ICE CREAM IS GROSS. [for those who actually know me, you know that this is NOT true. wtf is wrong with me?] and then i see some kid with what looks like coffee Ice cream and i'm liek OMG IS THAT COFFEE and hes like 'yea' and im like 'WOOO' and I go get some. everyone who was with me was very confused. But, that's not even a fraction of what I'm dealing with right now. not even an atom. Not even... whatever's less than that.

I definitely need to go to crisis counseling, and then maybe be excused from work or class. or something. i don't know. i don't know anymore. where do you begin to help someone who's lost as many people they love in such a short time? you can't blame me for being overly paranoid or depressed. I came back to school too soon but I felt like I didn't have an option and that my teachers would fail me. but they can't really do that. i'm just afraid.
I'm terrified of losing all my friends to freak accidents and ending up alone. ican't believe i'm even writing that because its so absurd. i feel like everything right now is so absurd to me i dont even know what i'm thinking. i can't believe i acutally just wrote all this. I need help. I need serious serious help.

[Help me.]
[I broke apart my insides.]
[Help me.]
[I've got no soul to sell.]
[Help me.]
[The only thing that works for me.]

[Help me get away from myself.]

Sunday, 26 March 2006

I don't know if I want to be alone, or if I want to be with a lot of people, or what. I'm confused and upset and in disbelief and it hurts so bad sometimes I can't even breathe. I woke up at Levy's last night so upset that even though I tried to go back to sleep, I was up every 15 minutes, and then I finally threw up. I think I'm going to try to get crisis counseling at Temple. I don't know. I can't think about ANYTHING. I can't do work, I can't even speak coherently. I'm wondering if Emiko is right, that her soul is still here because of the way she died. I don't really know anymore. I guess I'll spend most of the day alone in my thoughts and see if thats what I need. I don't even fucking know anymore. I didn't want to leave the site so early last night but Becca's dad was kind enough to take me there in the first place with everyone and then bring me back to her house. So, maybe I'll go back another time. Probably not today. Maybe when I'm more together, because when I go there I can barely breathe.

I can't believe I let our relationship slip away. All this time I was thinking about how I wanted to see her, but I was upset by the coke use so I didn't do anything. I wish I had told her how much I care about her. How beautiful and talented she is. How actually, I looked up to her as well. She may have looked up to me, but it was definitely a mutual thing. And I wish she could know that. I wish she could have been closer to me. But I guess now I have to accept what we had and keep that close to me. I fucking loved her and she may not have even known. But... maybe she knows now.

Friday, 24 March 2006

.............. yeah. There's nothing to say anymore. I'm in complete and utter disbelief.

How can this happen so often yet people still drive drunk? It baffles my mind.

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Kittie389

- Country: United States
- State: Pennsylvania
- Metro: Philadelphia
- Birthday: 3/19/1987
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 1/21/2004